A popular song from 1906.
Words and music by Roland Henry.
Arranged by A. W. Creighton.
Sheet music provided by Ross Boyle:
Accompaniment by James Pitt-Payne:
Lyrics
- I once went to a Concert at the great St. James’ Hall
A celebrated Orchestra to hear
The Conductor was eccentric
And he played up monkey tricks
And the more he fooled the more the folks did cheer
His antics did amuse me, but that which struck me most
Was an instrument a stalwart bandsman played
Whenever he tootled by himself
The folks roared with delight
At the very funny fuzzy noise he made
I didn’t know what they call it, but it went . . .
A sort o’ kinder . . .
A lady tried to speak to me but all that I could catch
Was . . .
- I went away determined that a . . . I would get
But of course, I didn’t know what I’d to buy
I walked into a Music shop, and said I want a . . .
You know, I mean a . . .
The shopman he was much alarmed
And called a policeman in
Says he, “Come on, now what’s your little game?”
It’s all right, constable, I said, I only want a . . .
You know a . . .
I don’t know what they call it but it goes . . .
And when it’s played it sounds like . . .
The constable was taking notes, he said it sounds like . . .
That’s it, I said . . . - But one day quite by accident, I found a little shop
In which a . . . was for sale
I blew into the mouthpiece, it choked me up with dust
And the only sound I got was like a wail
But I took it home and practiced it
And now I’m quite “au fait”
I’m sure you’ll all agree I’m going strong
For I . . . all the livelong day
From Beethoven, to “Now we shan’t be long”
Still, I don’t know what they call it, but it goes . . .
And sometimes . . .
When the man calls for the Income Tax, I play . . .
I’m sorry but I’m . . . - Oh, I find it very useful, is my little . . .
It always comes in handy, don’t yer know?
When Ma-in-law says, “Charley dear, you’re really very late”
I tootle . . .
My wife whe wants a bonnet, I say . . .
Says she, “I must – “, I simply answer . . .
A mad dog once attacked me, I blew one . . .
He died, he couldn’t stand the . . .
I don’t know what they call it, but it goes . . .
The neighbours all are shaking with affright
For in addition to my . . . all the . . . day
I’m commencing not to . . . all the night
Sung here by Laurence Rubenstein: