From the musical “Babes in Toyland”, 1903.
Words by Glen MacDonough.
Music by Victor Herbert.
The sheet music:
Accompaniment by James Pitt-Payne:
Lyrics
- If a steam-ship weighed ten thousand tons
And sailed five thousand miles
With a cargo large of overshoes
And carving knives and files
If the mates were almost six feet high
And the bos’n near the same
Would you subtract or multiply
To find the captains name? Oh! Oh! Oh!
Refrain
Put down six and carry two
Gee! but this is hard to do
You can think and think and think
Till your brains are numb
I don’t care what teacher says
I can’t do the sum
- If Clarence took fair Gwendolin
Out for an auto ride
And if at sixty miles an hour
One kiss to capture tried
And quite forgot the steering gear
On her honeyed lips to sup
How soon could twenty men with brooms
Sweep Clare and Gwennie up? Oh! Oh! Oh! - If Harold took sweet Imogene
With him one eve to dine
And ordered half the bill of fare
With cataracts of wine
If the bill of fare were thirteen ninety five
And poor Harold had but four
How many things would Harold strike
Before he struck the floor? Oh! Oh! Oh! - If a woman had an English pug
Ten children and a cat
And she tried in seven hours to find
A forty dollar flat
With naught but sunny outside rooms
In a neighborhood of tone
How old would those ten children be
Before they found a home? Oh! Oh! Oh! - If a pound of prunes cost thirteen cents
At half past one today
And the grocer is so bald he wears
A dollar five toupee
And if with ev’ry pound of tea
He will give two cut glass plates
How soon would Willie break his face
On his new roller skates? Oh! Oh! Oh!
Sung here by Vanch March: